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Scream Queen's Survival Guide

#1 User is offline   Craig 

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Posted 11 January 2012 - 04:01 AM

Below is a list of useful tips for any upcoming Scream Queen who wishes to avoid being slaughtered. Now this list is long, but I suggest that you read it if you wanna survive a Horror Movie... trust me, you'll thank me for it.

• Be wary of days that begin "much like any other" (it?s all downhill from there)

• Keep the playlist light (no one ever got axed while cuttin? Footloose)

• Reconsider that roadtrip (or else end up at the mercy of a creepy tow truck driver)

• Keep away from small-town law enforcement (the rent-a-cop always dies)

• The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster as to where you are.

• Nutty or Nice, Be Kind to Your Mother.

• Think Twice About That “Blondes Have More Fun” Thing.

• Ditch the Girl Who Can’t Stop Crying.

• Steer Clear of Small Town Law Enforcement (the rent-a-cop always dies)

• If You Have Anger Issues, Don’t Take a Job as Caretaker for an Isolated Hotel

• Don’t Ask “Who’s There?” Just Run!

• If Your Dad Claims He’s Received a Calling from God, Tell Him to Take a Message.

• If you think the monster / killer is dead, he's NOT.

• Do not go searching for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not they’re own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run.

• When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.

• If you are searching for something, which caused a loud noise, and you find out it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

• If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

• If you find a town, which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

• If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, developing a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth and increasing hairiness, get away from them as fast as possible.

• Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nil bog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.

• If your car runs out of gas late at night, don't go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.

• Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.

• Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your work surface.

• When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the lights.

• Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.

• If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers into the van with you.

• Never babysit. There are enough babysitter-in-danger thanks to stupid killer flicks out there already.

• If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He'll just pop through and kill you.

• Same goes for leaning against the window.

• Stay away from sewers.

• If you sense something is behind you, don't bother turning around to check. Just run.

• If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.

• After you manage to kill the monster/killer, never sit beside it and cry. It will suddenly pop back up to finish the job.

• Never go to camp or become a counselor. You'll be dead by the end of summer.

• Never say, "I'll be right back." You won't be back. End of story.

• Then when one of your spaceship's crewmembers finds a hideous parasite attached to his body, don’t let him back on the ship.

• If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON'T fall asleep, DON'T go out there, DON'T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!

• A small town's little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even have the barbecue with out you!” run like hell.

• Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

• Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.

• Never go back for anything you lost.

• Avoid people with pointy teeth.

• Avoid people with lots of facial hair.

• Avoid people with pale complexions, who sway and moan.

• If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.

• Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.

• Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

• Never EVER play with any Ouijia board that you find in the basement of your newly bought, run-down house.

• Never run into a deserted graveyard at night.

• If you are running away from the killer/monster, don't even try to start the car. It doesn't matter if the car is brand new, it won't start.

• If running from the monster/killer, try to make the least amount of noise possible. Especially if you are female. Panting, crying and screaming are not going to help you hide any better.

• Never answer the phone when you are babysitting. Just get the heck out of there and leave the kids for dead.

• If you think you see your girlfriend/boyfriend and they are wearing a mask, not talking, or conspicuously hiding their face, it's not them.

• Don't be mean to the new kid. They will just end up killing you.

• If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh let's say a severed head falling to the floor, don't go trying to find out what it is.

• When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.

• Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it's loaded.

• Never try to unmask the killer.

• Never hide in the closet.

• Don't spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medieval weaponry. It will be used eventually.

• Don't make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees.

• If you see a short guy wearing green and wearing a shamrock hat, I wouldn't stick around to ask about his pot of gold.

• Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.

• Never say, "Who's there?"

• If your hand has been possessed by the Force of Evil, do NOT chop off your hand. Doing so will merely allow the disembodied hand the freedom to wreak havoc independent of your body. And now you have to spend the rest of the film trying to track it down,

• If you have a feeling you'll end up being chased by zombies during the night, remember to wear comfortable running shoes.

• After babysitting, don't walk down any deserted streets with lots of trees and bushes, but no lights.

• If you are a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes and big boobs, well, you are pretty much dead.

• Always check the backseat of your car before you get in.

• When running away from the killer/monster, NEVER run upstairs.

• If you see someone who is within screaming distance while running from the killer/monster, for the love of god, SCREAM!

• If a giant shark is chasing your family, don't go swimming. Actually, stay away from the water, period.

• If you are babysitting, don't let the kids play with the Chucky doll.

• If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop car, run right by it. There are three possible ways that things will turn out if you try to get the cops attention and none are good:

• The supernatural being has assumed the form of a cop and just when you think you are safe... he will kill you.

• If the locals say the camp is haunted, it probably is... so stay clear.

• If people in your neighborhood have been disappearing and there's talk about a surge of any type of insect, move. Stubborn homeowners always die.

• When and if you fall while running and the killer/monster is near you, don't just sit there screaming like someone will hear you. Get up and RUN.

• If the killer if after you and you somehow manage to knock him down, don't get up and run for help. Believe me, he will stay down much longer after you kick him a couple times.

• If you disobey the previous rule, don't try cutting off his head or anything cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.

• If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don't just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may come as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.

• If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick butt, no explanation needed.
You Can't Kill The Boogeyman

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